Ok I’m really starting to p*** myself off! This indecisiveness and fear of change is like a bloody curse! What is it about me that prevents me from making a spontaneous move? I always have to be so calculating. I always have to plan. I always have to have a contingency. There’s always the ‘what if’ bug eating away at every idea I have or every move I want to make. I always have to justify everything. There’s always the ‘yeah but’ and the ‘I know but’….this flippin’ BUT!!!! Why do I have to psych myself up for a few days before I go ahead and do anything? Buy anything? I suppose the silver lining in all this is that when I do eventually make a decision, I stick to it come hell or high water!
Growing up I was always given responsibility. It was drilled in me how important it was to be prepared and organised. This began from quite a young age. I wonder if that’s the reason for me not liking to take risks, to be spontaneous, adventurous. To throw caution to the wind and say, “Just bloody do it!” I’m scared of failure. I hate the thought of letting myself or somebody else down.
If I could find a way to get rid of that part of me, I think I’d be a changed man! There have been times where I have been spontaneous and what a rush! It’s like going on a roller coaster shaking like a leaf and then shouting “Again…AGAIN!!” when the ride’s finished. Then the guilt starts to set in…Was that really necessary? Did I have to spend that much money?
I silently envy people who just do it! Know what I mean? Who just say, “Whatever happens happens, YOLO!” How do I get out of this trap? Ok ranting finished. Goodnight. One love.