Have you ever felt trapped? Trapped in your own skin? Trapped in your head? Trapped in the system? Trapped in love? I had a very quiet day today. I didn’t necessarily feel sad or upset, just quiet. I felt trapped. I felt like I wanted to be free. But free from what? What’s on my mind? What’s bothering me? If it’s not something I’m consciously aware of, why do I feel the need to be free? I think of a butterfly trying to escape from the pupa it’s been encased in; a baby chick feverishly pecking it’s way out of its shell. I feel the need to be liberated. Why am I being incarcerated in the cell of my thoughts, bound by the barbs of an ever increasing uncertainty of the future? Why is my pathway suddenly starting to blur? Why are there butterflies in my stomach?
Why are my skies clouding over? So many ‘whys’. All these questions. I say I am happy within myself. I feel ‘lighter’ than I did a few months ago. I don’t feel the need to be with someone. I am enjoying my life at the moment. I no longer feel like I’m having an outer body experience, looking down at myself. Yet something is missing. I wish that ‘something’ would manifest itself! Have you ever felt like this?
I’ve been doing a lot of walking lately. I like being around water. It has a calming, tranquil effect on me. I often just sit watching it, flowing downstream, moving around whatever rock or plant or debris that’s in its way. Not having a care in the world as it meanders along. Ignoring everything, everyone, unaware of what’s ahead. Sometimes it’s still, dark and mysterious. I try to look in but see nothing. Only what appears to be an endless abyss, beckoning me to come in. Maybe I shouldn’t think about why or how I’m feeling. Maybe I should embrace this feeling, just as I have embraced feelings of happiness. I wonder if I’m alone in feeling this way? I wonder how many other people who I walk past feel the same?
Tomorrow is a new day. I’m looking forward to it. Today’s thoughts and feelings will be left here, in the now. Tomorrow will be a blank canvas. I wonder what colours I will use? One love.